Popkin (evilpopkin) wrote,

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More College Angst

I met a girl.

Like, met a girl. You know, the romantic sort of met.

So, I met Kat. The girl. And proceeded to fuck things up grandly, as I am prone to do. And it's so insanely frustrating that it's the first (pretty, funny, intellectually stimulating) girl to show an honest-to-god interest to me FROM MY STATE (!) and I just... froze. Panicked. And it's such a goddamn representation of how I handle every other social situation I find myself in, which is to say I don't handle it at all.

Kat's in my English class, and she's the sort of girl who I usually spend months pining after without ever approaching. However, she found me through Facebook (lolz, welcome to college) and I decided to talk to her the only way I knew how; over the internet. After a few back-and-forths we finally get to talking over AIM, and I find myself having an emotionally fulfilling conversation with someone from this school for the first time ever. And much to my surprise, she starts flirting with me. I'm talking high school puppy dog shit. Blushing, double entendres, endless fawning. And it's mutual! And it ends up translating pretty well over to real life when I finally get a chance to talk to her after class one day.

We only talk for a couple of minutes, but I had picked her up one of those microwavable bowls of chicken soup after she told me she'd been feeling sick as of late, so needless to say she was smitten. And I'm feeling like the smoothest motherfucker on campus, and for the first time actually feeling validated. Which turned out to be founded, as she invited me over to her apartment later that night to watch a movie.

I drive over with speed I was previously unaware my car was capable of reaching, because it's 2AM and a pretty girl has invited me over to her apartment. The laws of physics are no match for my sheer desperation. We spend the night sitting on the couch, growing increasingly tired and increasingly closer, barely paying any attention to the movie and talking the entire time. I am thankfully too out of it for my brain to comprehend the impracticality of the situation. After two hours, I began sensing a desire to get intimate. This was based upon the fact that our faces ended up right against each other's and a sort of gut feeling. It isn't long before we begin to kiss, and for the first time since 9th grade or so I am making out with a girl.

... a fact that becomes glaringly obvious to her. She asks me if this is my first time doing something like this, to which I immediately reply, 'Yes.' Though it isn't really me who answers, it's the eight-year-old child inside me screaming 'WHAT DO YOU THINK?' So, for a couple of minutes I'm still running under the assumption that mouth + tongue = SUCCESS, but I'm getting the feeling that the equation might be slightly off because she keeps telling me to relax. Under the circumstances, ie another person's tongue being shoved down my throat, I'm not sure that is a possibility. Then she starts waxing zen about making out.

"Sometimes it's not about doing, but feeling."

Lacking a pen, paper, and a book on proverbs, I have no fucking clue what she's talking about. So after a solid five minutes of the most awkward mouth mashing ever we stop. She proceeded to tell me she was really tired and promptly accompanied me on my walk back to the car. We shared a brief kiss goodbye and I left to suffer through the five stages of grief during the fifteen minute ride back to my dorm.

I texted her an apology the next morning, but by then things have already taken a turn for the worst. In my head, at least. She tells me it's fine, but after a few sparse conversations and the cancellation of the plans we had made for Friday, I decide the most obvious course of action in our relationship is to avoid her at any and all costs.

I haven't talked to her in a week, and I feel like such an utter jackass. I just don't even know where to approach the situation from, and by the looks of things she's already moved on. It's not even the fact that I fucked up a potential romantic relationship, it's the fact that I can't even salvage a friendship out of it. She is one of the most interesting people I've met here, and I feel terrible for so utterly screwing things up. I don't know why I always move so fast with these things. It feels as if I've let my only chance at a true friendship slip through my fingers, and I'm exactly back where I started.
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